When Feelings Fade... Faith Begins.

It has been so long since I’ve written anything on my blog! I find it hard to believe that two years ago today I was on a plane heading to the O’Hare airport in Chicago, IL, to meet up with a group of people I had never met before and then fly to China. The idea of flying internationally frightened me, but the Lord filled me with a profound sense of peace and courage. For that I am eternally grateful. That trip to China changed my life, though I did not fully realize it at the time.

It is challenging for me to know what to write on this two-year anniversary post. I don’t quite know what to say or how to say it since it all makes me emotional today. So, please bare with my perhaps scattered writing.

Something I heard during my time abroad was “when feelings fade, faith begins.” Oh how true that sentiment has proven to be in my life. It was easy to get caught up in the swirl of emotions and love whilst playing with and loving on the precious kiddos at Maria’s Big House of Hope… but since returning it has been challenging at times to deeply feel my daily purpose since the intensity of those feelings dwindled after being home for a period of months and now years. If I had written this post two years ago when I’d returned home as I had planned to, I probably would have written about the trip and how it impacted me, yet also how I struggled to feel anything cut into the very core of my being. Had I written the post then, I wouldn’t have had the experiences in life, college, and my Child Life Practicum last summer which have begun to give me new perspectives on that “trip” to China.

As of late, the faces of those children make me get choked up, because I realize that they are now two years older… and many still are in need of a forever family. My heart yearns for those beautiful little ones to be wrapped in the loving arms of a family on this earth. And yet, if not, I know that the Lord is their ultimate Protector, Comforter, and Healer. He is their Abba Father and loving Daddy.

I think that I’m beginning to see the impact that trip made on me, as I feel the brokenness more intensely than before. As I look at the pictures, watch the videos, chat with my teammates… we all feel similarly. If eyes are the window to the soul, we are all gazing into the eternal souls of mere babes who may never know the love of a mom, dad, brother, or sister. It’s impossible for me not to feel broken at the thought of that reality. The kids are so lovable, so kind, so funny, so loving, so deserving. My heart just does not understand why it is the way it is.

The snuggles, naps, laughs, Follow-the-Leader games, hugs, silly faces, tickles and giggles, splashes, and holy moments are not easily forgotten by me. One of my absolute favorite memories was when I got to snuggle with a little one when everyone else was playing and laughing outside. All this little person wanted was to be held closely, loved fervently. That was something I was very capable of doing. Oh how present I was in those sacred moments. What a gift to be given by such a sweet little one. The fact that I have a picture to remember that moment is a blessing greater than words can express.

Though some of the smaller details of the trip may have escaped my memory now, so many things are easily accessible to recall because I tried my utmost to take everything in as much as I could… eating peanut butter and bananas on toast for breakfast, boxed milk and Frosted Flakes, walking by the kitchen where the ladies cooked us what I considered to be a gourmet lunch everyday, eating with chopsticks at every meal I had the opportunity to, wondering how we would fit 20+ people and 40+ full, huge suitcases into one van in Beijing, the first little kiddo I held at MBHOH, walking around the rooftop, talking endlessly and praying fervently over the city with Kenzie, eating parts of a duck that should not be regularly eaten, being encouraged by my teammates… the memories go on and on.

The Psalms call believers a number of times to stand up for and protect the fatherless just as God does the same (Psalm 82:3, 68:5, 146:9). I felt called to go two years ago, and I feel that still today, though the logistics look a bit different now. Given my plans to attend graduate school this fall I think that I will have to postpone, for a season of time, my desire to go back and love on those kiddos again.

So, for today, I will content myself with the pictures and videos and prayer. I will continue to grow my trust in the Lord and His ultimate plans for each of those kiddos’ lives and for mine, too.

One of Steven Curtis Chapman’s songs, “For the Sake of the Call,” from back in the day rings as true now as it did then in my heart: “Drawn like the rivers are drawn to the sea

There's no turning back, for the water cannot help but flow

Once we hear the Savior's call, we'll follow wherever He leads

Because of the love He has shown

And because He has called us to go

We will answer

We will abandon it all for the sake of the call

No other reason at all but the sake of the call

Wholly devoted to live and to die

Not for the sake of a creed or a cause

Not for a dream or a promise

Simply because it is Jesus who called

And if we believe we'll obey

We will abandon it all for the sake of the call

No other reason at all but the sake of the call

We will abandon it all for the sake of the call

No other reason at all but the sake of the call

Wholly devoted to live and to die for the sake of the call

For the sake of the call

We will abandon it all.”

To read more about the trip from someone whose knack for writing and capturing moments in images inspires me, head on over to my rockstar teammate Leah Raiffeisen’s blog! http://www.leahraiffeisen.com/blog-1/2017/6/2/china